A Series of "Firsts"


In the Name of God, the Subtle, the Loving

Things are getting better.

With God’s blessing, the love, help, and support of my family and friends, and the passage of time, it is getting better. It’s strange, but, she seems more and more distant with the passage of time. But, she is and will always be in my heart.

Only God knows how much I truly loved her. Only God knows how truly precious she was to me. Only God knows how much I loved having her with me. At the end of her life, she really could not walk anymore. So, I would frequently pick her up to move her from place to place.

I could tell that people felt sorry for me and her when they saw me pick her up to take her places. But, I swear by God, I swear by God, I swear by God; I never minded. I never complained. I loved doing so. I miss that so much now. I miss her so much.

But, I am trying to move on. We are finalizing the headstone now, and we got her flowers for the gravesite: they are pink, her favorite color. Other people, in fact, left her flowers at her grave. That was very nice, and I thank those people so very much.

I also am really wanting to go out and play some golf. It is very therapeutic for me (as is writing). Despite my horrific play, being out on a course among God’s creation is very soothing. And due to said horrific play, I am among His trees, bushes, and shrubs quite often.

Also, the paperwork for the Bayan H. Hassaballa Charitable Foundation is being made up. Soon, it will be up and running, God willing. That will be a lasting legacy for good, I hope and pray.

Now, and for the next year until the first anniversary of her passing, we will be going through a series of “firsts.” I have already had my first “first”: the first Father’s Day without Bayan. It wasn’t bad, because I had the rest of my family with me. But, soon there will be the first Ramadan without her, then the first Eid, then her birthday, and so on. Each “first” will be hard, but we will make it, God willing.

Already, it is hard to see our new photos without her. But, I know that she would not want us to stop living. I know she is happy now, and she would want us to be happy, too.

So, we are trying.

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3 thoughts on “A Series of "Firsts"

  1. I am writing about an old article you wrote for Media Monitors Network, Lessons from the hajj ease a difficult return home. It was written some time between 2003 and 2006. I origianally read it at a very dark time in my life as my husband of almost 40 yrs was diagnosed first with cancer and them MS. Having had polio at age 7 I had a great understanding of disability. Your words helped me during a time of great dispare. He dided September 2006. This morning as I am preparing for a pilgrimage to Eastern Europe I came across your words. I am writing to let you know how much your words have helped me.I am doing my best to rebuild my life…feel a strong call from God,but as of yet have very few answers though I do think at some point I will live abroad. Also, I am writing because I would like to know how you are and how is your daughter. I would just like to know more of your story.Blessings,Jacquelyn Rose Matethematestudio@gmail.com

  2. I am so deeply filled with sadness.I did not read your blog before I wrote to you…please know how much I do understand the loss of your daughter…I still miss my husband of whom I wrote in my first email, who died Sept. 2006. As the MS and cancer progressd…my husband, Tom became increasingly disabled I too never ever resented caring for him. Actually his illness deepened our love so that I can say that they were the happiest days of our marriage…I am crying now and it's hard to see to arite..So, I have learned the rest of your story. I will pray for you and your wife every day of my pilgrimage.I know that our compassionate God is praying for you…the one God to whom I know we are all praying.Love,Jacquelyn Rose Matethematestudio@gmail.com

  3. Pingback: My Journey to October 10 Starts Today « God, Faith, and a Pen: Living in the Light of His Love

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