“I’ll Be OK”

In the Name of the Kind and Beautiful Precious Beloved

I first heard it while waiting for my eye exam in the mall. My eldest daughter and I both liked it, and I used my Shazam App to identify the song: "Go on, girl.", by Ne-Yo. The song begins with a beautiful, serene melody which is quite soothing. The narrator speaks of his resilience in the face of the infidelity of his girlfriend/wife:

I can’t get it back, but
I don’t want it back, I
Realized that,
She don’t know how to act
Never been a dumb dude
No I’m not dense
I Just had a slight lack
Of common sense
I was the good guy
She was the bad girl
I’m thinking one girl
She thinking me, earl James and jimmy
Yep she had plenty
But love for me, she didn’t have any

He continues speaking about the misdeeds of his (former) woman:

I can’t get it back, but
I don’t want it back, I
Realized that,
She don’t know how to act
Tried to settle down and look what I get
Thought it was my time, but I guess not yet
She at the bar getting drinks from many men
I’m in the house, thinking shes with her girlfriends
Just not knowing, truly not knowing
I look back now like, man, I was open

I am so very blessed that I have never been faced with such betrayal. And I pray that neither I, nor anyone else, is ever faced with the betrayal of the person he or she loves. Yet, when I heard this part of the song, it made me think of someone very special to me:

I was inviting, her into my heart
But she was out riding in some other man’s car
She was my night time, thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see I’m strong
Wont take long for me to move on

I thought to myself, "Who – besides my wife – did I invite into my heart?" And it was unmistakable: the daughter I lost to lymphoma in 2009. Actually, I didn’t invite her in; she just leapt right in there from the very minute she was born, and I was forever enthralled. As I listened to the song and Ne-Yo’s awesome voice, I kept thinking about my daughter and how much I loved her (and still do). I kept thinking about her beauty of spirit and soul; her kindness as well as gentle and angelic nature.

She never, ever betrayed me like this woman did to the song’s narrator. Not only was she my "night time," but she was also my "star," the brightest, most illustrious star in my night time sky. I cherished every single moment we ever had together, even when it was in the hospital during my "shift" to stay with her, after my wife did the same.

Towards the end of her life, she was totally unable to walk, and thus I would frequently have to carry her inside people’s houses and the like. I could tell that people would look at me carrying her and feel sorry for me. But, I swear before the Beautiful Face of the Lord, I was the happiest man on earth. Inside, my heart was singing because I was enjoying the company of my beautiful daughter. She was so special to me, the most beautiful gift of the Most Beautiful in the universe.

You know, I am really impressed by this man’s strength and fortitude in the face of betrayal:

Please don’t worry bout me I’m fine
Only gonna play the fool one time
Trust me when I say
That I’ll be OK
Go on girl
Go on girl
Go on girl

The mistake I made is clear
(we never should’ve been together)
Thats the reason you’re not here
(I know that I can do much better)
Not a single salty tear
Not a feeling in my chest
Baby I’m feeling no stress
I’m too fly to be depressed

Yet, I am not "too fly" to admit that I have shed so many a "salty tear" since my girl "went on" to her Lord. I am not "too fly" to admit that I have had a lot of pain in my chest, unlike the narrator, since she passed away. Sometimes, the pain is so severe that I can hardly breathe. Even though it has been over two years, it still really, really hurts. I miss her so very much. When she moved into my heart and then left, the empty space she left behind will never be filled again. I will never be the same person ever again. I am not "too fly" to admit that I am still in a lot of pain, Lord, and I really, really miss my baby.

When I reflect over these things, while listening to the soothing and beautiful melody of the song, I can’t help but cry. But, just like the song’s narrator says:

Trust me when I say
That I’ll be OK

because I have the Lord my God with me. I know that "I can’t get [my daughter] back." She is gone. Yes, my Lord can do such things, but such miracles are not of this age.

But, "I’ll be OK" because my Beloved is walking with me, comforting me as I "go on" in my life on this earth. Yes, on so many days, the pain in my chest gets so sharp; my chest becomes tight and heavy with the grief of her loss; my eyes are flooded with many a "salty tear." But, when it gets bad, my Precious Beloved is right there, sending down His Sweet Comfort so that I can keep on going without completely breaking down.

My Beloved gave me such a beautiful gift when he let my daughter come into my heart and set up shop there. And when she went back to Him, despite my "salty tears" and pains in my chest, He told me that "I’ll be OK," and that I will see her once again. So, I will try to live the best life I can so that, by the grace of the Healer of Hearts, I will see her standing at the gates of my Lord’s Paradise, waiting for me and my wife, so that we can all walk in together, hand in hand. I pray that it happens, because then, "Trust me when I say/That I’ll be OK."


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